Dear friend, Hope all is well with you! Things here are the same. We try to remain positive but the days are long and sad. We had some news the other day. A very good friend in Germany saw a facebook post from our daughter and sent pictures to me with question marks saying I didnt know she was pregnant. Well neither did we !!!!. Within hours of the facebook post calls came flooding in with questions. When is she due what is she having??? Well how do you answer when you dont know. Lucky me my once best friend knew and was only to happy to call and let me know. Now that she posted it on facebook she guessed it was ok to tell me..... Who does that..? Well she is due in October I guess someone will let us know. And we understand its a boy. Another well meaning friend saw our son at walmart along with the grandson we have never seen. She didnt want to tell me because she knew it would upset me. Well guess what I live in a state of upset my 3 adult kids havent spoken to us in over a year. Ive seen death row inmates who committed murder get shorter more lenient sentences than us.
Our youngest mean while lost her first baby tooth day before yesterday. The tooth fairy came and brought her a gold dollar. She was over the moon happy . She struggled to let that tooth go for days it hung in her moth by a thread. She kept asking what happens when its out, will it bleed ,can I keep it, when does a new tooth grow in. We post picture on facebook hoping the others will see it and know how their sister is doing but not one of them responds to her ever. She asks daily who liked it.We know she misses them but what can we do. A couple of weeks ago she ask me if I remember when she was sick last year and took that long nap on the couch. And if I remembered when the police came but didnt arrest us on your birthday ? I do remamber. How can I ever forget her being interigated when she had a fever of 103 by strangers in her own home. She is a fearful child she worries about things more than most kids. I cant imagine what goes on in her head. We have allways kept a very close eye on her but since then even closer.It seems like none of us will ever be the same.
So we go forward never knowing what tomorrow will bring. We hope for the best but are allways on the lookout for more sadness. Nothing will ever be the same. But we have hope for the future that God has promised. We start Fall soccer this week and I have several Quilt projects Im working on. My husband has been promoted to sports editor of the local paper. and Fall is in the air. I think a trip to the apple orchard is on my list of fall activites to do very soon. The cool crisp air reminds me of the past. Back to school, halloween costumes, apple cider and the colors of the leaves like the most amazing rainbow without the rain. It reminds me of dieing to ones self and the renewal that comes after a long cold winter. I hope every day brings our family back together but mostly I know thats not ever going to happen. Forgivness will not come for us. So we Pray and we hope and we move forward in life because we have no choice. It moves on with or without us.
Once again thanks for listening. Its so easy to talk to you. I know you are allways there and I get great comfort from that.
With much love, Me
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Its been a year of silence,Except for grandma!
Dear Friend,
Sorry its been so long since Ive written.Its been a little over a year since we have seen or spoken to our three older children.They stopped all contact with us after our second childs wedding. We survived the birthday season and the holidays. It was the hardest on our youngest. We took her on a beach vacation for her 6th birthday. She just wanted to know if everyone was coming over. I couldnt take her sadness, so we decided it was best to go have fun for her sake.
Its the little things that will get you in the silence. The memorys that sneek up when you least expect it. Like the toast. I was making toast for for our youngest one morning when the toast song popped into my head. #3 used to sing it to me when ever I made toast or french toast Its one of my favorite things in the world. Not the song, but the way he sang it to me. Or like the show on pbs about how to build a log cabin project with sticks and mud. We did that with our oldest once. but when we got the mud we must have picked a place where dogs frequented because it really smelled bad. We called it the poop cabin. Looking at pictures is the worst. On the fourth of july we used to drive to Indiana to get fireworks and take them to my mother in laws. This year I kept thinking about our oldest. It was allways his favorite. He has allways loved the explosiveness of it. Except for the first one at Ft Bragg. as a baby it scared him . He has a baby of his own now. We have never seen him, no one has in my family. He ask us last year not to contact him or his family ever again ,after we contacted him to turn the deed of the house over to him.He told us he was glad he finally had the family he deserved, instead of the family he got. He recently called his 83 year old grandma to tell her we were awful because we hadnt been to see his baby. But he has not spoken to us in over a year and they ask people on facebook not to share his picture so we could not see him. They didnt show him to anyone on either my or my husbands side of the family, purely so we would never see him. Even my best friend has never shared his picture with us. Our daughter in law ask her not to and told her if I wanted to know anything about him to call her.We decided that was similar to hostage negotiations and would not be joining in on that kind of thing. The worst was My mother in law, she was so upset. See we never told her because she is sick . Dementia. We are not in the habit of telling her things that will worry her.We have never told anyone but my parents and my sister what happened.
Its funny I never wanted to be anything other than a mom and grandma. I love my kids so much and then there are the grandkids. They are the most precious things. But I guess God has other plans for me for now. I pray often for them all and hope someday things will change. Im still saving box tops just in case. But after the gift they sent me on my birthday I just dont see how thats possible. It was allready not the greatest birthday ever. Chloe had been so sick for months. We had been back to the Dr for another round of antibiotics. Double ear infections that just would not go away. Swollen tonsils and fever for 2 months.She was on the couch resting when they knocked on the door. We were going to have cake. But we lost our appitite. It was the worst birthday visiter we ever had. Poor chloe was scared to death.We spent the rest of the evening in shock and so sad that they would do such a thing to her.
Since then on special days we make it a point to make tracks for the day.The future is uncertain with the older three. We dont know if we will ever see or speak to them again.We dont know if we will ever see our grand kids again. We pray and we hope but for now we move forward in a life full of uncertainties. With our youngest starting first grade I'm sure this will be a busy year full of fun and learning. My husband just passed the one year mark in his new job. im in the middle of canning season, tomatos right now . We move through our daily activities like normal but the sadness of the loss is allways with us. It has changed who we are and how we conduct our lives. We trust less and are more cautious.But the one thing that has increased is our trust in God. The way he has provided for us overwhelms us. His grace and mercy cover us daily. Knowing that He wrote our story long ago and that He alone knows why and how and that he loves us and would never harm us .We pray daily for our kids. and we miss them. But we also know that things were not good the way they were. Being held emotionl hostages , always in fear of being cut off or making them mad. I can honestly say that I no longer have that fear. God has held me in His loving arms and comforted me through it. And guess what I survived. It didnt kill me. It tried to break me for a while.And days are still hard sometimes, but I Know Im a good mom and a good grandma .
Love Me
Sorry its been so long since Ive written.Its been a little over a year since we have seen or spoken to our three older children.They stopped all contact with us after our second childs wedding. We survived the birthday season and the holidays. It was the hardest on our youngest. We took her on a beach vacation for her 6th birthday. She just wanted to know if everyone was coming over. I couldnt take her sadness, so we decided it was best to go have fun for her sake.
Its the little things that will get you in the silence. The memorys that sneek up when you least expect it. Like the toast. I was making toast for for our youngest one morning when the toast song popped into my head. #3 used to sing it to me when ever I made toast or french toast Its one of my favorite things in the world. Not the song, but the way he sang it to me. Or like the show on pbs about how to build a log cabin project with sticks and mud. We did that with our oldest once. but when we got the mud we must have picked a place where dogs frequented because it really smelled bad. We called it the poop cabin. Looking at pictures is the worst. On the fourth of july we used to drive to Indiana to get fireworks and take them to my mother in laws. This year I kept thinking about our oldest. It was allways his favorite. He has allways loved the explosiveness of it. Except for the first one at Ft Bragg. as a baby it scared him . He has a baby of his own now. We have never seen him, no one has in my family. He ask us last year not to contact him or his family ever again ,after we contacted him to turn the deed of the house over to him.He told us he was glad he finally had the family he deserved, instead of the family he got. He recently called his 83 year old grandma to tell her we were awful because we hadnt been to see his baby. But he has not spoken to us in over a year and they ask people on facebook not to share his picture so we could not see him. They didnt show him to anyone on either my or my husbands side of the family, purely so we would never see him. Even my best friend has never shared his picture with us. Our daughter in law ask her not to and told her if I wanted to know anything about him to call her.We decided that was similar to hostage negotiations and would not be joining in on that kind of thing. The worst was My mother in law, she was so upset. See we never told her because she is sick . Dementia. We are not in the habit of telling her things that will worry her.We have never told anyone but my parents and my sister what happened.
Its funny I never wanted to be anything other than a mom and grandma. I love my kids so much and then there are the grandkids. They are the most precious things. But I guess God has other plans for me for now. I pray often for them all and hope someday things will change. Im still saving box tops just in case. But after the gift they sent me on my birthday I just dont see how thats possible. It was allready not the greatest birthday ever. Chloe had been so sick for months. We had been back to the Dr for another round of antibiotics. Double ear infections that just would not go away. Swollen tonsils and fever for 2 months.She was on the couch resting when they knocked on the door. We were going to have cake. But we lost our appitite. It was the worst birthday visiter we ever had. Poor chloe was scared to death.We spent the rest of the evening in shock and so sad that they would do such a thing to her.
Since then on special days we make it a point to make tracks for the day.The future is uncertain with the older three. We dont know if we will ever see or speak to them again.We dont know if we will ever see our grand kids again. We pray and we hope but for now we move forward in a life full of uncertainties. With our youngest starting first grade I'm sure this will be a busy year full of fun and learning. My husband just passed the one year mark in his new job. im in the middle of canning season, tomatos right now . We move through our daily activities like normal but the sadness of the loss is allways with us. It has changed who we are and how we conduct our lives. We trust less and are more cautious.But the one thing that has increased is our trust in God. The way he has provided for us overwhelms us. His grace and mercy cover us daily. Knowing that He wrote our story long ago and that He alone knows why and how and that he loves us and would never harm us .We pray daily for our kids. and we miss them. But we also know that things were not good the way they were. Being held emotionl hostages , always in fear of being cut off or making them mad. I can honestly say that I no longer have that fear. God has held me in His loving arms and comforted me through it. And guess what I survived. It didnt kill me. It tried to break me for a while.And days are still hard sometimes, but I Know Im a good mom and a good grandma .
Love Me
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Mama 2 Mama 3 You are not my childs mama.
Dear Friend,
Today I was thinking about people who call them selves mamas 2 or 3. Those well meaning people who try to help my child. Who are perfect with them all the time . They allways say the right thing at the right time and are so comforting .They have the luxury of then walking away . They dont have to come home with my child and live with them. My child normally only shows you what they want you to see. And that is typically not the truth or at a minimum the whole truth.What they want is for you to tell them what they want to hear. But when you do that you may be undermineing my authority as the true parent.
What you see is the kind gentel public child. Not the angry I didnt get my way child. You didnt give birth to them. You didnt walk the floor with them you never took care of them when they were sick. You did not read to them at bed time. You did not prepare special meals for them because they have a sensitive gag reflex. You didnt bake birthday cakes and blow up balloons or wrap christmas presents and keep the perfect gift secret for months. You didnt loose sleep when my child was out too late or dateing someone you knew would hurt my daughter. You didnt battle with them over wearing clothes that were inappropriate for school or the weather or that sent the wrong message. You were not there when my child was diagnosed with seisurzes. You did not spend every waking moment searching for an alternative to a medication that would do more harm than good . You did not drive my child to every practice dr appointment and school function . I did.
You tell my child its ok to be upset with me because I failed him or her in some way. But maybe you dont have the whole story. Maybe you dont know that My husband lost his job. That I have a serious illness and cant afford my medication. That we are facing some very hard choices. Maybe they didnt tell why we made the decision that we made after careful deliberation. Because we have been here since day one. WE know our child better than anyone. We love them and care for them and know better than anyone what is in the best interest of our family. Because we have all the details, that you may not have. WE know the good the bad the ugly and everything inbetween.
We want you in our childs life to be certain. It takes a village to raise a child. advice is great. Love, a child can never have enough. But when you take my title you take my authority.You tell my child that im not who thay should go to when they are hurting or scared or lost. If you speak ill of me you are breeding disrespect. You are deviding my family.
Is my child in danger? Am I available? Can you call me? Do You even know me? Im not perfect ive made mistakes as a parent. Are you a parent ? Do you have children of your own? Im guessing if you have kids youve made mistakes too. You might be perfect , or you might not have made mistakes. But if you have kids Im guessing you have made a few too. I think mistakes are ok if you learn from them and try to do better. If I made a mistake and my child does not tell me how can I make it better. You may be able to adress the upfront issue you know about but not the deep issue only I can address.
Reguardless of what my child has told you there will allways be something you or they dont know. But the one thing you need to know, Is God gave that child to me and I have to trust that He knew what He was doing . See God doesnt make mistakes. He has a purpose in everything He does. God knows the whole story. The beginning and the end. He wrote the story of my life and that of my child long before I was born. He loves me and my child. He gave me authority over my child. He intrusted them to me. He must have thought I could manage it. But Im also sure He put you in my childs life for a reason. To be there when I cannot. As friend, mentor, confidant teacher nurse doctor mate.But I am and will allways be my childs one and only MOM. Im not jelouse of you I dont want your life or what you mean to my child.And unless you are a danger to my child or hurting them in some way I will never deminish who or what you are to my child.God gave you the skills to be who you need to be and me the skills I need to be who I need to be. I am not allways right and I have my share of failures. But they are mine. And God will judge me.
If you are apart of my childs life as an authority figure or close friend. Put yourself in my shoes. Look closely at who my child is. Is he kind , generous , funny, loving, smart. He did not get there alone. I walked him drove him sat with him disiplined him yes even yelled at him and probably punnished him .I taught him things he needed to know, things he wanted to know and things that were important to me. He carrys a large part of me with him every where he goes. He may even have told you a joke I taught him. Or be making a face that I told him would freeze like that. As parents Its never a sure thing. We never know if what we are doing is going to be perfect . But im willing to bet that it was done out of love.. And if not love sometimes out of fear. Sometimes when parents are afraid they make not so perfect decisions. Sometime we make our kids mad. If you see that in my child its ok my parents made me mad sometimes they still do.I dont see eye to eye with my kids on alot of issues. Some of it moral some it of cultural some of it generational.But I do trust that I taught them some good stuff and I did some things right. That I raised them in the best way I know how. Im striving every day to do better to be a better person . To be a better mom. But I am not my childs friend I am their mom first last and allways.
If you are a person in my childs life he trusts. If you know him at all. Trust that if we are having a problem we are trying to solve it. Dont undermine us, our job is hard enough. Support our child , love him . listen to him. be a safe place for him , but dont take away from us . Dont take our authority or our name or our place.You be the friend without tearing us down. If you have kids of your own think about the difficulties you have had and ask yourself if you would want me to tell your child your an idiote even if you were.Instead listen to what my child shares with you ask questions agree with how my child feels. His feeling have merrit, it must have been something if he is upset. But think about who he is and who you know us to be because if you have been in my childs life for any lenght of time you probably know us and you know how much we love our kids , and if you havent been there then maybe you dont need to be despensing advice about us.Dont fuel the fire. Give us time to help our child. He knowes deep down what is right and what is wrong, because we taught him that from an early age.
I was thinking about all the well meaning people breaking car windows to save children from a hot car. I get it kids have died. Its not safe. and really there is no good excuse for it . But the condeming that goes on after. My guess is its a parent that is overwhelmed and has no support system in place. No village so to speak. Im not saying poor judgement is an excuse to act a fool but I think every one makes mistakes. I think tired overwhelmed and other wise good parents can sometimes use poor judgement. Instead of judgeing them and condeming them ask if we can help. Find out what led them to using poor judgement and aks if you can help. Not every thing is black and white. I once drove my child around in the car all night so she could sleep. She hadnt slept in days and being in the car soothed her so I drove and drove. I was exhausted but she slept. Then my son made a mess with his breakfast and I yelled at him. Not my shinyest moment. If someone had seen me yell they would have thought I was horrible. But My husband saw it and hugged me and cleaned up the mess and then hugged our son.
There was a man on a plane a few years ago that hit a child who was being loud and anoing. I dont condone him hitting but most people dont go around hitting other peoples kids for no reason. He was it turnes out headed home from a buisness trip. He wasnt supposed to be on that plane . It turns out his son was in an accident and he was rushing home to make the heart wrentching decision to turn off the life support to end his childs life here on earth.While on this flight this greif stricken father had some drinks. Serving unlimited alcohol to people in a tin can thousands of feet in the air is never a good idea but it happenes everyday. In this case grief, unimaginable pain, and fear led a man to poor judgement. He hit someone elses child . Did the child deserve it no probably not.Was the parent of the child exerciseing good parenting on the plane maybe not. Was the man punished yes he was. In more ways than one he will be punished for the rest of his life.My guess is the child wont remember it if the parent doesnt keep the event present in his mind. Sometimes you have to walk a mile in someone elses shoes before you can even begin to know where their head is at.
I guess the point im trying to make is parenting is not an easy job. Sometimes we make mistakes hopefully we learn from them and move onto new ones instead of making the same ones over and over . some parents will get most of it right some will get most of it wrong. But if you have help and support and not someone tearing you down all the time its alot easier. And know that all parents have fears where their children are concerned. If you are perfect congratulations. Im not . Im a good parent doing all I can do and then some. I want whats best for my child allways . I may not get there the same way as everyone else but when I do I know I did my best. And I want my child to know that. So please dont pretend to be my childs mama or papa. Thats my job, instead be our friend too, let my child know that we love him. remind him of times in the past that you know of that things worked out. That we were pulling for him harder than anyone. That we have problems too. Parents have struggles of there own, dreams and hopes for them selves, and just because we had kids doesnt mean we stopped being people too.Sometimes their expectations can excede our abilities.Sometimes giving grace is all that is needed.
Love, Me
Today I was thinking about people who call them selves mamas 2 or 3. Those well meaning people who try to help my child. Who are perfect with them all the time . They allways say the right thing at the right time and are so comforting .They have the luxury of then walking away . They dont have to come home with my child and live with them. My child normally only shows you what they want you to see. And that is typically not the truth or at a minimum the whole truth.What they want is for you to tell them what they want to hear. But when you do that you may be undermineing my authority as the true parent.
What you see is the kind gentel public child. Not the angry I didnt get my way child. You didnt give birth to them. You didnt walk the floor with them you never took care of them when they were sick. You did not read to them at bed time. You did not prepare special meals for them because they have a sensitive gag reflex. You didnt bake birthday cakes and blow up balloons or wrap christmas presents and keep the perfect gift secret for months. You didnt loose sleep when my child was out too late or dateing someone you knew would hurt my daughter. You didnt battle with them over wearing clothes that were inappropriate for school or the weather or that sent the wrong message. You were not there when my child was diagnosed with seisurzes. You did not spend every waking moment searching for an alternative to a medication that would do more harm than good . You did not drive my child to every practice dr appointment and school function . I did.
You tell my child its ok to be upset with me because I failed him or her in some way. But maybe you dont have the whole story. Maybe you dont know that My husband lost his job. That I have a serious illness and cant afford my medication. That we are facing some very hard choices. Maybe they didnt tell why we made the decision that we made after careful deliberation. Because we have been here since day one. WE know our child better than anyone. We love them and care for them and know better than anyone what is in the best interest of our family. Because we have all the details, that you may not have. WE know the good the bad the ugly and everything inbetween.
We want you in our childs life to be certain. It takes a village to raise a child. advice is great. Love, a child can never have enough. But when you take my title you take my authority.You tell my child that im not who thay should go to when they are hurting or scared or lost. If you speak ill of me you are breeding disrespect. You are deviding my family.
Is my child in danger? Am I available? Can you call me? Do You even know me? Im not perfect ive made mistakes as a parent. Are you a parent ? Do you have children of your own? Im guessing if you have kids youve made mistakes too. You might be perfect , or you might not have made mistakes. But if you have kids Im guessing you have made a few too. I think mistakes are ok if you learn from them and try to do better. If I made a mistake and my child does not tell me how can I make it better. You may be able to adress the upfront issue you know about but not the deep issue only I can address.
Reguardless of what my child has told you there will allways be something you or they dont know. But the one thing you need to know, Is God gave that child to me and I have to trust that He knew what He was doing . See God doesnt make mistakes. He has a purpose in everything He does. God knows the whole story. The beginning and the end. He wrote the story of my life and that of my child long before I was born. He loves me and my child. He gave me authority over my child. He intrusted them to me. He must have thought I could manage it. But Im also sure He put you in my childs life for a reason. To be there when I cannot. As friend, mentor, confidant teacher nurse doctor mate.But I am and will allways be my childs one and only MOM. Im not jelouse of you I dont want your life or what you mean to my child.And unless you are a danger to my child or hurting them in some way I will never deminish who or what you are to my child.God gave you the skills to be who you need to be and me the skills I need to be who I need to be. I am not allways right and I have my share of failures. But they are mine. And God will judge me.
If you are apart of my childs life as an authority figure or close friend. Put yourself in my shoes. Look closely at who my child is. Is he kind , generous , funny, loving, smart. He did not get there alone. I walked him drove him sat with him disiplined him yes even yelled at him and probably punnished him .I taught him things he needed to know, things he wanted to know and things that were important to me. He carrys a large part of me with him every where he goes. He may even have told you a joke I taught him. Or be making a face that I told him would freeze like that. As parents Its never a sure thing. We never know if what we are doing is going to be perfect . But im willing to bet that it was done out of love.. And if not love sometimes out of fear. Sometimes when parents are afraid they make not so perfect decisions. Sometime we make our kids mad. If you see that in my child its ok my parents made me mad sometimes they still do.I dont see eye to eye with my kids on alot of issues. Some of it moral some it of cultural some of it generational.But I do trust that I taught them some good stuff and I did some things right. That I raised them in the best way I know how. Im striving every day to do better to be a better person . To be a better mom. But I am not my childs friend I am their mom first last and allways.
If you are a person in my childs life he trusts. If you know him at all. Trust that if we are having a problem we are trying to solve it. Dont undermine us, our job is hard enough. Support our child , love him . listen to him. be a safe place for him , but dont take away from us . Dont take our authority or our name or our place.You be the friend without tearing us down. If you have kids of your own think about the difficulties you have had and ask yourself if you would want me to tell your child your an idiote even if you were.Instead listen to what my child shares with you ask questions agree with how my child feels. His feeling have merrit, it must have been something if he is upset. But think about who he is and who you know us to be because if you have been in my childs life for any lenght of time you probably know us and you know how much we love our kids , and if you havent been there then maybe you dont need to be despensing advice about us.Dont fuel the fire. Give us time to help our child. He knowes deep down what is right and what is wrong, because we taught him that from an early age.
I was thinking about all the well meaning people breaking car windows to save children from a hot car. I get it kids have died. Its not safe. and really there is no good excuse for it . But the condeming that goes on after. My guess is its a parent that is overwhelmed and has no support system in place. No village so to speak. Im not saying poor judgement is an excuse to act a fool but I think every one makes mistakes. I think tired overwhelmed and other wise good parents can sometimes use poor judgement. Instead of judgeing them and condeming them ask if we can help. Find out what led them to using poor judgement and aks if you can help. Not every thing is black and white. I once drove my child around in the car all night so she could sleep. She hadnt slept in days and being in the car soothed her so I drove and drove. I was exhausted but she slept. Then my son made a mess with his breakfast and I yelled at him. Not my shinyest moment. If someone had seen me yell they would have thought I was horrible. But My husband saw it and hugged me and cleaned up the mess and then hugged our son.
There was a man on a plane a few years ago that hit a child who was being loud and anoing. I dont condone him hitting but most people dont go around hitting other peoples kids for no reason. He was it turnes out headed home from a buisness trip. He wasnt supposed to be on that plane . It turns out his son was in an accident and he was rushing home to make the heart wrentching decision to turn off the life support to end his childs life here on earth.While on this flight this greif stricken father had some drinks. Serving unlimited alcohol to people in a tin can thousands of feet in the air is never a good idea but it happenes everyday. In this case grief, unimaginable pain, and fear led a man to poor judgement. He hit someone elses child . Did the child deserve it no probably not.Was the parent of the child exerciseing good parenting on the plane maybe not. Was the man punished yes he was. In more ways than one he will be punished for the rest of his life.My guess is the child wont remember it if the parent doesnt keep the event present in his mind. Sometimes you have to walk a mile in someone elses shoes before you can even begin to know where their head is at.
I guess the point im trying to make is parenting is not an easy job. Sometimes we make mistakes hopefully we learn from them and move onto new ones instead of making the same ones over and over . some parents will get most of it right some will get most of it wrong. But if you have help and support and not someone tearing you down all the time its alot easier. And know that all parents have fears where their children are concerned. If you are perfect congratulations. Im not . Im a good parent doing all I can do and then some. I want whats best for my child allways . I may not get there the same way as everyone else but when I do I know I did my best. And I want my child to know that. So please dont pretend to be my childs mama or papa. Thats my job, instead be our friend too, let my child know that we love him. remind him of times in the past that you know of that things worked out. That we were pulling for him harder than anyone. That we have problems too. Parents have struggles of there own, dreams and hopes for them selves, and just because we had kids doesnt mean we stopped being people too.Sometimes their expectations can excede our abilities.Sometimes giving grace is all that is needed.
Love, Me
Friday, October 17, 2014
Miss spelled words are wounderful!
Dear Friend,
Today I was thinking about memories. What will our kids say about us when we are gone. Will they have fond memories of us, or no memories at all. One of our families big things is spelling and grammer. I'm not the best at either. If I slow down and try I manage pretty well. But I'm never very concerned with it simply because I want to get the thought out of my head before I forget it. My husband on the other hand is borderline fanatic on spelling grammer punctuation syntax sentence structure the whole nine. When our kids were little he would pay the .05 Cents to find mistakes in our local newspaper. Apparently they feel the same way I do that Its the thought that counts. The kids always came away with lots of nickles.
With the advent of the internet came even more opportunity to fine error with all kinds of written publications. emails would fly back and forth between my husband and our kids with all manner of spelling mistakes. Which boggles the mind when you consider online dictionary , spellcheck and auto correct, which can lead to hilairious mistakes.
I was thinking about one of my most famous spelling mistakes that has been used in numerous cards, emails, letters and in many conversations . My misspelling of the word wonderful. I spelled it (wounderful) , and it just sort of stuck as the way I continued to spell it over the years for fun.
If I was kiddnapped and needed to let people in my family know it was me I could write that in a note and they would know instantly it was me . Sometimes I would get a text from one of my kids telling me they did something good in school or at work or some great news and my response would be Wounderful!.They laugh at me but I allways hope its with love. In the beginning it was just a spelling error. But I like to think it has become something much more , a memory they can look back on and think wow that was mom.That seeing the word wonderful spelled correctly would bring a smile to their faces and a little laugh. Not the most wounderful legacy but just a little thing they can tell their kids and grandkids when they ask what was grandma like.
Love, Me
Today I was thinking about memories. What will our kids say about us when we are gone. Will they have fond memories of us, or no memories at all. One of our families big things is spelling and grammer. I'm not the best at either. If I slow down and try I manage pretty well. But I'm never very concerned with it simply because I want to get the thought out of my head before I forget it. My husband on the other hand is borderline fanatic on spelling grammer punctuation syntax sentence structure the whole nine. When our kids were little he would pay the .05 Cents to find mistakes in our local newspaper. Apparently they feel the same way I do that Its the thought that counts. The kids always came away with lots of nickles.
With the advent of the internet came even more opportunity to fine error with all kinds of written publications. emails would fly back and forth between my husband and our kids with all manner of spelling mistakes. Which boggles the mind when you consider online dictionary , spellcheck and auto correct, which can lead to hilairious mistakes.
I was thinking about one of my most famous spelling mistakes that has been used in numerous cards, emails, letters and in many conversations . My misspelling of the word wonderful. I spelled it (wounderful) , and it just sort of stuck as the way I continued to spell it over the years for fun.
If I was kiddnapped and needed to let people in my family know it was me I could write that in a note and they would know instantly it was me . Sometimes I would get a text from one of my kids telling me they did something good in school or at work or some great news and my response would be Wounderful!.They laugh at me but I allways hope its with love. In the beginning it was just a spelling error. But I like to think it has become something much more , a memory they can look back on and think wow that was mom.That seeing the word wonderful spelled correctly would bring a smile to their faces and a little laugh. Not the most wounderful legacy but just a little thing they can tell their kids and grandkids when they ask what was grandma like.
Love, Me
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Job loss, Ebola, Terrorists , Beheadings and a Psalm to cover them all.
Dear friend,
Things here are going pretty good. with my husband starting a new job we are on better financial ground. Our youngest loves kindergarten. Ive been quilting and knitting. Yesterday we discovered a persimmon tree loaded with fruit in our yard that we had never seen before. Im hoping to use them to make jam! I just love jam. Then I spent several hours hulling black walnuts, washing them and putting them on a screen to dry for 2 weeks.Ive still got tomatoes cabbage and a few cucumbers in the garden.The weather will be getting colder soon so ill finish gathering that over the weekend.
It all seems so pleasent. The fall leaves the harvest of food. This has allways been my favorite time of year, halloween, thanksgiving christmas.I even have my own season. I call it baking season. It starts around now with apples and ends after christmas. Fudge ,cookies,candy, gingerbread houses and pies. Soups and stews of all kinds become a regular in my house. Warm cozy, happy.Snug in our home away from the world until you turn on the T.V. and see americans being beheaded.
Countries so angry and set on destruction. Killing one another bombing each other out of existance. The men who were beheaded were reporters telling a story. The story of the war the plight of the people effected, the terror in the night. The fear thousands face as they flee for there lives to what ever country will have them.fear of loseing your home takes on new meaning when it is blown up, or you are forced to abbandon it just to save you own life and those of you family.
Then there is pestilence, disease ,drought ,wild fires.Hurricaines tornadoes tropical storms. Ebola. Ebola is a deadly disease with know cure spead through contact of bodily fluids. Once this disease takes hold in a place that is not equiped to handle it it spreads rapidily and kills fiercely.There has never been a case in the U.S. before. But last night on the news one man from liberia made his way here from africa through Bressels to texas and now hundreds are quarentined.This man was on airplanes with people that flew all over the world and our country.
In the west wild fires are tearing through several states. Burning down homes and destroying lives property and peolpe are being desimated by it. Firemen are working round the clock . Mean while ther familys sit at home hoping and praying that there spouses and faters and brothers come home safe .Doctores have gone to africa at great personal risk. Two have been shipped home sick but have recovered from ebola.Some of the wild fires set by arsonists have been contained. Bombing in Syiria has started by the U.S and some of it alliess trying to stop the terrorists.The cdc has sent out a tracking unit to find all the people exposed here in the U.S. to ebola.
There are many people out there doing all they can do to help. I wondered what I can do . I can pray. And recently someone very special sent me the most amazing scripture I think I had ever read. Psalm 91. I have started to memorize it and read it out loud. It is a promise of God for protectio and safety against so many of thease things. Sometime reading my bible is comforting , sometimes its sad. sometime it gives me strength and others I find wisdom in Gods word. But this chapter and its verses are becoming my battle cry. My knowledge that God has promised safety and health and protection by angels. In this a very frightening time.So today with you dear friend I pray this prayer over the whole planet. not just those that read its words but those hiding in caves those running for there lives, for all the sick and weary the tired and scared. The brave and strong, the happy and sad,
all of those that know God and all those who still dont.
Dear God Hear our crys,He who dwells in the shadow of the Most High
Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord,"My refuge and my fortress,
My God , in whom I trust.
For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper
And from deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfullness
Is a shield and a bulwark.
You willnot be afraid of the terror by night,
Or of the arrow that flies by day;
Of the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
Of the destruction that lays waste at noon.
A thousand may fall at your side
And ten thousand at your right hand'
But it shall not approach you.
You will only look on with your eyes
And see the recompense of the wicked.
For you have made the Lord, my refuge,
Even the Most High you dwelling place,
No evil will befall you,
Nore will any plague come near your tent.
For He will give His angels charge concerning you,
To guard you in all your ways.
They will bear you upin their hands,
That you do notstrike yourfoot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the cobra.
\ The young loin and the serpent you will trample down.
" Because He has loved Me, therefore I will deliver him
I will set him securely on high, because he has known mMy name.
He will call upon Me , and I will answer him,
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With a long life I will satisfy him
And let him see My salvation".
Psalm 91
I also read a book about this Psalm By Peggy Joyce Ruth in it she breaks down each verse to tell you exactly what God is promising. I love finding new things in Gods word. When reading sometimes you can miss something so valuable. My husband and I firmly belieave all of Gods word to be true. And it seems like this psalm91 is needed so desperately by so many in the world today.
Anyway Ill be in touch again soon. I hope this note finds you well and in good spirits. Take care.
Love, Me
Things here are going pretty good. with my husband starting a new job we are on better financial ground. Our youngest loves kindergarten. Ive been quilting and knitting. Yesterday we discovered a persimmon tree loaded with fruit in our yard that we had never seen before. Im hoping to use them to make jam! I just love jam. Then I spent several hours hulling black walnuts, washing them and putting them on a screen to dry for 2 weeks.Ive still got tomatoes cabbage and a few cucumbers in the garden.The weather will be getting colder soon so ill finish gathering that over the weekend.
It all seems so pleasent. The fall leaves the harvest of food. This has allways been my favorite time of year, halloween, thanksgiving christmas.I even have my own season. I call it baking season. It starts around now with apples and ends after christmas. Fudge ,cookies,candy, gingerbread houses and pies. Soups and stews of all kinds become a regular in my house. Warm cozy, happy.Snug in our home away from the world until you turn on the T.V. and see americans being beheaded.
Countries so angry and set on destruction. Killing one another bombing each other out of existance. The men who were beheaded were reporters telling a story. The story of the war the plight of the people effected, the terror in the night. The fear thousands face as they flee for there lives to what ever country will have them.fear of loseing your home takes on new meaning when it is blown up, or you are forced to abbandon it just to save you own life and those of you family.
Then there is pestilence, disease ,drought ,wild fires.Hurricaines tornadoes tropical storms. Ebola. Ebola is a deadly disease with know cure spead through contact of bodily fluids. Once this disease takes hold in a place that is not equiped to handle it it spreads rapidily and kills fiercely.There has never been a case in the U.S. before. But last night on the news one man from liberia made his way here from africa through Bressels to texas and now hundreds are quarentined.This man was on airplanes with people that flew all over the world and our country.
In the west wild fires are tearing through several states. Burning down homes and destroying lives property and peolpe are being desimated by it. Firemen are working round the clock . Mean while ther familys sit at home hoping and praying that there spouses and faters and brothers come home safe .Doctores have gone to africa at great personal risk. Two have been shipped home sick but have recovered from ebola.Some of the wild fires set by arsonists have been contained. Bombing in Syiria has started by the U.S and some of it alliess trying to stop the terrorists.The cdc has sent out a tracking unit to find all the people exposed here in the U.S. to ebola.
There are many people out there doing all they can do to help. I wondered what I can do . I can pray. And recently someone very special sent me the most amazing scripture I think I had ever read. Psalm 91. I have started to memorize it and read it out loud. It is a promise of God for protectio and safety against so many of thease things. Sometime reading my bible is comforting , sometimes its sad. sometime it gives me strength and others I find wisdom in Gods word. But this chapter and its verses are becoming my battle cry. My knowledge that God has promised safety and health and protection by angels. In this a very frightening time.So today with you dear friend I pray this prayer over the whole planet. not just those that read its words but those hiding in caves those running for there lives, for all the sick and weary the tired and scared. The brave and strong, the happy and sad,
all of those that know God and all those who still dont.
Dear God Hear our crys,He who dwells in the shadow of the Most High
Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord,"My refuge and my fortress,
My God , in whom I trust.
For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper
And from deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfullness
Is a shield and a bulwark.
You willnot be afraid of the terror by night,
Or of the arrow that flies by day;
Of the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
Of the destruction that lays waste at noon.
A thousand may fall at your side
And ten thousand at your right hand'
But it shall not approach you.
You will only look on with your eyes
And see the recompense of the wicked.
For you have made the Lord, my refuge,
Even the Most High you dwelling place,
No evil will befall you,
Nore will any plague come near your tent.
For He will give His angels charge concerning you,
To guard you in all your ways.
They will bear you upin their hands,
That you do notstrike yourfoot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the cobra.
\ The young loin and the serpent you will trample down.
" Because He has loved Me, therefore I will deliver him
I will set him securely on high, because he has known mMy name.
He will call upon Me , and I will answer him,
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With a long life I will satisfy him
And let him see My salvation".
Psalm 91
I also read a book about this Psalm By Peggy Joyce Ruth in it she breaks down each verse to tell you exactly what God is promising. I love finding new things in Gods word. When reading sometimes you can miss something so valuable. My husband and I firmly belieave all of Gods word to be true. And it seems like this psalm91 is needed so desperately by so many in the world today.
Anyway Ill be in touch again soon. I hope this note finds you well and in good spirits. Take care.
Love, Me
Monday, September 15, 2014
Large age gap between our kids
Dear friend,
Hope you are having a good day. Things here are ok but could be better. Im missing my kids and grandkids and struggling to understand why things dont go how i think they should. I have 4 kids the first 2 born in 1987 and 1988 they are 361 days apart . Sorta like having twins. I was 19 and 20 when they were born. And my husband and I were newly weds when we found out I was pregnant with the first. The second child was born 4 days before the first birthday of the first child.The second child was born very sick and nearly died . The army hospital in Berlin where she was born called in the chaplin to comfort us. While friends kept baby #1. It had been a hard labor 2 days on pitosin. I could barely stand up to get in the wheelchair to go to the nursery to say goodbye. They were taking our baby girl to a german hospital . her lungs were not completely formed. They thought she was going to die. My husband went with her and stayed with her till she was out of the woods. They have allways had a special bond. It would be 2 weeks before we could even touch her , let alone hold her. we werent allowed to stay at the hospital . we had to take a military taxi ti the hospital and only stay with her for short periods of time. Im pretty sure those were the worst days of our lives.However She grew stronger every day and eventually we got to take our sweet girl home to meet her big brother... Which is a whole story all by itself. But for todays story I wont go there. Needless to say those two became best friends , partners in crime a united front and a force to be reconed with. And so it went , life and raising 2 kids in amilitary life style. moving around starting school all the things kids do.
Then in 1995 nine years after baby # 1 and 8 years after baby #2 im not feeling well and we are supposed to go on a trip to Italy. We missed that trip but decided to go camping in Bavaria. It was the most amazing trip but when we got home I still felt sick and more run down than ever. So im telling my friend how I feel and she says you are not sick you are pregnant... Im like no possible way.. and her , having recently having a baby says take a test and prove it.So my husband goes to get a home pregnancy test, because well they make such things. I take the test and yep Im pregnant. We actually have the whole thing on video. The older kids were thrilled My husband was over the moon. me not so much. I was just about in the clear. Kids in school full time basicly self sufficient. I was not pleased to be starting over. I was once again in a foreign country. no family or close friends to help. With the first 2 I was alone with the exception of one close friend. Raising kids is hard work. Its 24 hours a day. And its very hard when your husband is gone 7 months out of the year. Shortly after I found out we were having another child my husband found out he would be deployed to Bosnia for a year. So was our neighbors husband,the one who knew I was pregnant. I thought this could be ok we are pretty good friends. we can get through this together. Nope wrong again. She left too. went stateside and never came back. She had another baby a few months after me.All went well with the pregnancy . Baby #3 joined us in may of 1996. He was the sweetest baby. ate good slept good. smiled often and rarely ever cried. Until one day he cried alot and when I was changing his diaper I noticed a large bulge in his abdomin that was not there earlier. I ran the whole way to the army clinic with him in my arms, I didnt have a car. Turns out it was a hernia. But surgery was neccessary to correct it.
Well with baby #3 I guess you would say we were smarter and more relaxed not so stressed out . We had more money more time more patience and knew more about life and what was important.At the end of his first year we transitioned to civilian life, and returned to my husbands hometown. We live there for 11 years. Not a bad place but never a great place for us. Lots of job changes in the first years. Then came more money better job and sability. At this point you can imagine child 1 and child 2.are getting ready to graduate from high school and head off to college. When another life change happens . My husband lost his job. Child one in college child 2 in the summer between graduation and college. #3 getting ready for 5th grade. After many months of job searching we were running out of money and options. It seemed like the only choice was to move . so we did. but thats How we ended up here in 2006. Lots of things happened in the few years inbetween moving and what happened in 2008. My husband found a job we got back on our feet. all seemed to be going well. Then I started getting sick. I was sleeping alot and had pain in weird places and I was naseous all the time. I was 41 years old. pregnancy was not possible it had been 14 years.. So after lunch with the same friend who was positive I was pregnant with #3. We stopped at the store for a home pregnancy test. The test was of course positive. But once again I was not. See with #3 I developed gestational diabetes. And a year after he was born I was diagnosed with type 2. My age and illness were not favorabe. The first Dr. I saw was not very positive of either of our survival rates . So I found another Dr. who was. He said It would be rough and It was. He said c section and it was. I had to see lots of specialist to check for heart problems and birth defects. But in April of 2009 #4 came into our lives. Strong and healthy and probably the happiest baby Ive ever met. She spent her first week of life in the NICU. not because she was sick but just to see that she wasnt and didnt become sick. #2 was happiest of all she finally had a sister. She lived a few hours away but was here for the birth as were all of her siblings.It has been a very Exhausting and fulfilling life so far. # 3 just started college #4 just started kindergarten and #2 just got married #1 and his wife are expecting a child. And my husband just spent the last year and 2 months unemployed. But thankfully has started a new job. Life has a way of changing when you least expect it to,Im not sure we are ever ready for and sometimes we are just downright not in the mood for it . But we rise to meet the challenges of it .
I have allways thought the age gap was no big deal but recently im discovering that it might be . That It may be causing some pretty serious problems in our family. My age is older than most moms of kids in kindergarten. My 2nd child is raising her son at the same time as me and my 4th child. My 1st child is raising 3 kids of his wifes and has 4th on the way. The economy is bad and prices are high. Life is not easy right now for most of the world. And #3 is facing the world alone.I pray daily for all of them that there life is good that they love one another and live good lives. Above all I hope they know how much we love them all no matter when they came into our lives or when they leave it. They are all a gift from God for as long as he allows us to have them . and we are so greatful for every minute of it.
Thanks for allways being there to listen when I need to hear myself talk. till next time
Love , Me
Hope you are having a good day. Things here are ok but could be better. Im missing my kids and grandkids and struggling to understand why things dont go how i think they should. I have 4 kids the first 2 born in 1987 and 1988 they are 361 days apart . Sorta like having twins. I was 19 and 20 when they were born. And my husband and I were newly weds when we found out I was pregnant with the first. The second child was born 4 days before the first birthday of the first child.The second child was born very sick and nearly died . The army hospital in Berlin where she was born called in the chaplin to comfort us. While friends kept baby #1. It had been a hard labor 2 days on pitosin. I could barely stand up to get in the wheelchair to go to the nursery to say goodbye. They were taking our baby girl to a german hospital . her lungs were not completely formed. They thought she was going to die. My husband went with her and stayed with her till she was out of the woods. They have allways had a special bond. It would be 2 weeks before we could even touch her , let alone hold her. we werent allowed to stay at the hospital . we had to take a military taxi ti the hospital and only stay with her for short periods of time. Im pretty sure those were the worst days of our lives.However She grew stronger every day and eventually we got to take our sweet girl home to meet her big brother... Which is a whole story all by itself. But for todays story I wont go there. Needless to say those two became best friends , partners in crime a united front and a force to be reconed with. And so it went , life and raising 2 kids in amilitary life style. moving around starting school all the things kids do.
Then in 1995 nine years after baby # 1 and 8 years after baby #2 im not feeling well and we are supposed to go on a trip to Italy. We missed that trip but decided to go camping in Bavaria. It was the most amazing trip but when we got home I still felt sick and more run down than ever. So im telling my friend how I feel and she says you are not sick you are pregnant... Im like no possible way.. and her , having recently having a baby says take a test and prove it.So my husband goes to get a home pregnancy test, because well they make such things. I take the test and yep Im pregnant. We actually have the whole thing on video. The older kids were thrilled My husband was over the moon. me not so much. I was just about in the clear. Kids in school full time basicly self sufficient. I was not pleased to be starting over. I was once again in a foreign country. no family or close friends to help. With the first 2 I was alone with the exception of one close friend. Raising kids is hard work. Its 24 hours a day. And its very hard when your husband is gone 7 months out of the year. Shortly after I found out we were having another child my husband found out he would be deployed to Bosnia for a year. So was our neighbors husband,the one who knew I was pregnant. I thought this could be ok we are pretty good friends. we can get through this together. Nope wrong again. She left too. went stateside and never came back. She had another baby a few months after me.All went well with the pregnancy . Baby #3 joined us in may of 1996. He was the sweetest baby. ate good slept good. smiled often and rarely ever cried. Until one day he cried alot and when I was changing his diaper I noticed a large bulge in his abdomin that was not there earlier. I ran the whole way to the army clinic with him in my arms, I didnt have a car. Turns out it was a hernia. But surgery was neccessary to correct it.
Well with baby #3 I guess you would say we were smarter and more relaxed not so stressed out . We had more money more time more patience and knew more about life and what was important.At the end of his first year we transitioned to civilian life, and returned to my husbands hometown. We live there for 11 years. Not a bad place but never a great place for us. Lots of job changes in the first years. Then came more money better job and sability. At this point you can imagine child 1 and child 2.are getting ready to graduate from high school and head off to college. When another life change happens . My husband lost his job. Child one in college child 2 in the summer between graduation and college. #3 getting ready for 5th grade. After many months of job searching we were running out of money and options. It seemed like the only choice was to move . so we did. but thats How we ended up here in 2006. Lots of things happened in the few years inbetween moving and what happened in 2008. My husband found a job we got back on our feet. all seemed to be going well. Then I started getting sick. I was sleeping alot and had pain in weird places and I was naseous all the time. I was 41 years old. pregnancy was not possible it had been 14 years.. So after lunch with the same friend who was positive I was pregnant with #3. We stopped at the store for a home pregnancy test. The test was of course positive. But once again I was not. See with #3 I developed gestational diabetes. And a year after he was born I was diagnosed with type 2. My age and illness were not favorabe. The first Dr. I saw was not very positive of either of our survival rates . So I found another Dr. who was. He said It would be rough and It was. He said c section and it was. I had to see lots of specialist to check for heart problems and birth defects. But in April of 2009 #4 came into our lives. Strong and healthy and probably the happiest baby Ive ever met. She spent her first week of life in the NICU. not because she was sick but just to see that she wasnt and didnt become sick. #2 was happiest of all she finally had a sister. She lived a few hours away but was here for the birth as were all of her siblings.It has been a very Exhausting and fulfilling life so far. # 3 just started college #4 just started kindergarten and #2 just got married #1 and his wife are expecting a child. And my husband just spent the last year and 2 months unemployed. But thankfully has started a new job. Life has a way of changing when you least expect it to,Im not sure we are ever ready for and sometimes we are just downright not in the mood for it . But we rise to meet the challenges of it .
I have allways thought the age gap was no big deal but recently im discovering that it might be . That It may be causing some pretty serious problems in our family. My age is older than most moms of kids in kindergarten. My 2nd child is raising her son at the same time as me and my 4th child. My 1st child is raising 3 kids of his wifes and has 4th on the way. The economy is bad and prices are high. Life is not easy right now for most of the world. And #3 is facing the world alone.I pray daily for all of them that there life is good that they love one another and live good lives. Above all I hope they know how much we love them all no matter when they came into our lives or when they leave it. They are all a gift from God for as long as he allows us to have them . and we are so greatful for every minute of it.
Thanks for allways being there to listen when I need to hear myself talk. till next time
Love , Me
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Expectations
Dear Friend,
I was thinking today would be a good day to talk about expectations. And how sometimes our expectations sometimes excede others abilities. Im a strong woman for the most part. Pretty much anything you throw at me I can handle. I plow through problems and challenges pretty well. I think I just expect others to do the same. I figure if I can do it why cant everyone. So I have very high expectations.Especially from my kids. I raised them to be tough . But here lately I dont feel so tough. as a matter of fact I feel down right weak, unable to make even simple decisions , unable to face mild challenges. And the expectations of others have now exceded my own abilities. It makes me feel ashamed and scared.My whole life I've never been afraid of very much.
But the last few years changed that.I started being more tired, not feeling well lots of days. my health got worse. Being without a job or income, not knowing how we were going to survive or pay our bills.I was worried about our youngest child who was still at home our next oldest graduating high school.Our next oldest planning her wedding here at our house. And our oldest getting ready to have his first baby.It was alot going on and we had no means to pay for anything.
But we trusted God and He was faithfull to provide abundently for all of our needs.We had food to eat enough money to pay the house payment and car payment and utilities. We worked hard to just manage what we could and called all the others to let them know we couldnt pay. Some people were helpfull some were rude and mean.They expected me to pay what I owed and I expected my dilligent payment history to stand for something. I had allways paid my debts on time and I was in trouble. I needed help and time to come up with the money. We sold stuff, cashed in our retirement took metal to be recycled. Anything we could think of to get money to keep us afloat. Some days I got mad at our cercumstances
But mostly I enjoyed the time with my husband.He had been in the military. Had lots of jobs that had taken him far from home throughout our marriage. Sometimes he was gone for a week sometimes for 30 days and once while I was pregnant with our third child he was gone for a year. So mostly I was happy to have him home. Its was fun at first. we did projects around the house and went to do some fun stuff. We talked alot. But for him the stress of not being able to provide for his family was really hard. It wore on him day after day. Not only that but our oldest children lived in houses we owned. ultimately we had the responsibility for making sure those payments were met too. So the amount on his shoulders was heavy to say the least.
Job loss is difficult under normal circumstances, but we did what we could and turned the rest over to God. The world had changed, what used to be , just was'nt anymore.Unemployment only lasted 6 months. The government had stopped long term unemployment for millions of americans at the worst of an econimic down turn. We were luckier than most we were able to keep our home . millions of americans lost their homes and were forced to live in shelters or in there cars. Adults moving back in with there aging parents . We saw lots of desperation. We lived daily. We learned to lean on God more and lost faith in the world and the government that we had spent years defending.We recieved food stampes for the first time in our lives. Fought the buracrecy of obama care to get insulin for me and keep our kids healthy.Counted pennys from the couch cusions, relied on family for help when it got really rough. And tried to help others when we could.
But some days we just barely got out of bed, some days we lashed out at each other, mostly out of fear or frustration. I have faced rejection before. But the level of rejection my husband faced during that 14 months was staggering. Im not sure how many jobs he applied for but it numbered in the hundreds. and everyday rejection letters came flooding in. Sorry we went a different direction , we pick someone with more education , you dont meet the education requirements. The worst was you are over qualified. Or the ever popular, no response at all.Then someone would show interest . This only happen a few times . One was a job in Minnasota. That was funny because it was the coldest winter here in years. So it was really cold in Minnasota. We dont like the cold. But after 2 phone interviews they wanted to meet in person. So they sent him to kansas city to the corporate office for a third interview . which went very well. Then nothing. For weeks we waited and waited. then finally a form email telling us thanks but no thanks.That happened several other times too. One time the week before Christmas we drove 500 miles to North Carolina for and interview. It went great but then we never heard anthing from them again.We all came home with some sort of flu from that trip. We spent Christmas in bed sick.Then ther were jobs closer to home that just didnt seem in a hurry to hire anyone.It went on like that month after month, hope followed by dissapointment. For me it meant not paying more bills not being able to get gas to mow the lawn cutting back on water usage and turning out lights more often. Eating cheaper food. not doing laundry till you have a full load. For my husband it meant letting us down, not doing his job as the man of the house. Not providing. Running through all our savings, using up all our retirement. He even sold his guitars to give me a birthday gift. For both of us it was hard for different reasons. But it brought us closer to understanding Gods promises and Love.
I guess if there is a moral to this story it would be we expected the worst but found hope and trust in the strangest of places.We didnt expect it to take 14 months to find another job. We didnt expect to need so much grace.And we didnt expect some peoples additude towards us either. But expectation is a funny thing you never know sometimes what others expect from you till you can no longer live up to that expectation. . It wasnt easy, some days were brutally hard. While other days were calm and easy. Our expectations of each other have changed too. we take turns being tough. We let God carry the largest part of our burdens and we have a better understanding of what Prayer can do. Not just on the bruttaly hard days but on the calm days too. It is our Prayer today that if you find your self in this situation or something like it. Dont lose hope keep praying and trusting God. Know that He is working all things for your good. Even when it seems like you failed one day know that God loves you today and every day , down in the valley and on the mountain. He is the same today tomorrow and yesterday His love never stops, never grows weary . He is allways weaving together a plan for you that is amazing . Even on the days when you act like a monster. On the days you rebel , in the night when you cant stop crying. In the morning when you find the strength to get up and do it for the thousandth time God is the same. It is the one expectation that is allways fullfilled. maybe not the way we hope but allways the way we need.Know also that we are not perfect. Some days I fail miserably. So I hold tighter to Gods truth. The devil has tried to steal my trust in God many a day. And some days it may even look like he has succeeded. But tomorrow is allways another chance to do it again and to do it better.
Love, Me
I was thinking today would be a good day to talk about expectations. And how sometimes our expectations sometimes excede others abilities. Im a strong woman for the most part. Pretty much anything you throw at me I can handle. I plow through problems and challenges pretty well. I think I just expect others to do the same. I figure if I can do it why cant everyone. So I have very high expectations.Especially from my kids. I raised them to be tough . But here lately I dont feel so tough. as a matter of fact I feel down right weak, unable to make even simple decisions , unable to face mild challenges. And the expectations of others have now exceded my own abilities. It makes me feel ashamed and scared.My whole life I've never been afraid of very much.
But the last few years changed that.I started being more tired, not feeling well lots of days. my health got worse. Being without a job or income, not knowing how we were going to survive or pay our bills.I was worried about our youngest child who was still at home our next oldest graduating high school.Our next oldest planning her wedding here at our house. And our oldest getting ready to have his first baby.It was alot going on and we had no means to pay for anything.
But we trusted God and He was faithfull to provide abundently for all of our needs.We had food to eat enough money to pay the house payment and car payment and utilities. We worked hard to just manage what we could and called all the others to let them know we couldnt pay. Some people were helpfull some were rude and mean.They expected me to pay what I owed and I expected my dilligent payment history to stand for something. I had allways paid my debts on time and I was in trouble. I needed help and time to come up with the money. We sold stuff, cashed in our retirement took metal to be recycled. Anything we could think of to get money to keep us afloat. Some days I got mad at our cercumstances
But mostly I enjoyed the time with my husband.He had been in the military. Had lots of jobs that had taken him far from home throughout our marriage. Sometimes he was gone for a week sometimes for 30 days and once while I was pregnant with our third child he was gone for a year. So mostly I was happy to have him home. Its was fun at first. we did projects around the house and went to do some fun stuff. We talked alot. But for him the stress of not being able to provide for his family was really hard. It wore on him day after day. Not only that but our oldest children lived in houses we owned. ultimately we had the responsibility for making sure those payments were met too. So the amount on his shoulders was heavy to say the least.
Job loss is difficult under normal circumstances, but we did what we could and turned the rest over to God. The world had changed, what used to be , just was'nt anymore.Unemployment only lasted 6 months. The government had stopped long term unemployment for millions of americans at the worst of an econimic down turn. We were luckier than most we were able to keep our home . millions of americans lost their homes and were forced to live in shelters or in there cars. Adults moving back in with there aging parents . We saw lots of desperation. We lived daily. We learned to lean on God more and lost faith in the world and the government that we had spent years defending.We recieved food stampes for the first time in our lives. Fought the buracrecy of obama care to get insulin for me and keep our kids healthy.Counted pennys from the couch cusions, relied on family for help when it got really rough. And tried to help others when we could.
But some days we just barely got out of bed, some days we lashed out at each other, mostly out of fear or frustration. I have faced rejection before. But the level of rejection my husband faced during that 14 months was staggering. Im not sure how many jobs he applied for but it numbered in the hundreds. and everyday rejection letters came flooding in. Sorry we went a different direction , we pick someone with more education , you dont meet the education requirements. The worst was you are over qualified. Or the ever popular, no response at all.Then someone would show interest . This only happen a few times . One was a job in Minnasota. That was funny because it was the coldest winter here in years. So it was really cold in Minnasota. We dont like the cold. But after 2 phone interviews they wanted to meet in person. So they sent him to kansas city to the corporate office for a third interview . which went very well. Then nothing. For weeks we waited and waited. then finally a form email telling us thanks but no thanks.That happened several other times too. One time the week before Christmas we drove 500 miles to North Carolina for and interview. It went great but then we never heard anthing from them again.We all came home with some sort of flu from that trip. We spent Christmas in bed sick.Then ther were jobs closer to home that just didnt seem in a hurry to hire anyone.It went on like that month after month, hope followed by dissapointment. For me it meant not paying more bills not being able to get gas to mow the lawn cutting back on water usage and turning out lights more often. Eating cheaper food. not doing laundry till you have a full load. For my husband it meant letting us down, not doing his job as the man of the house. Not providing. Running through all our savings, using up all our retirement. He even sold his guitars to give me a birthday gift. For both of us it was hard for different reasons. But it brought us closer to understanding Gods promises and Love.
I guess if there is a moral to this story it would be we expected the worst but found hope and trust in the strangest of places.We didnt expect it to take 14 months to find another job. We didnt expect to need so much grace.And we didnt expect some peoples additude towards us either. But expectation is a funny thing you never know sometimes what others expect from you till you can no longer live up to that expectation. . It wasnt easy, some days were brutally hard. While other days were calm and easy. Our expectations of each other have changed too. we take turns being tough. We let God carry the largest part of our burdens and we have a better understanding of what Prayer can do. Not just on the bruttaly hard days but on the calm days too. It is our Prayer today that if you find your self in this situation or something like it. Dont lose hope keep praying and trusting God. Know that He is working all things for your good. Even when it seems like you failed one day know that God loves you today and every day , down in the valley and on the mountain. He is the same today tomorrow and yesterday His love never stops, never grows weary . He is allways weaving together a plan for you that is amazing . Even on the days when you act like a monster. On the days you rebel , in the night when you cant stop crying. In the morning when you find the strength to get up and do it for the thousandth time God is the same. It is the one expectation that is allways fullfilled. maybe not the way we hope but allways the way we need.Know also that we are not perfect. Some days I fail miserably. So I hold tighter to Gods truth. The devil has tried to steal my trust in God many a day. And some days it may even look like he has succeeded. But tomorrow is allways another chance to do it again and to do it better.
Love, Me
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