Expectations

Dear Friend,
               I was thinking today would be a good day to talk about expectations. And how sometimes our expectations sometimes excede others abilities. Im  a strong woman for the most part. Pretty much anything you throw at me I can handle. I plow through problems and challenges pretty well. I think I just expect others to do the same. I figure if I can do it why cant everyone. So I have very high expectations.Especially from my kids. I raised them to be tough . But here lately I dont feel so tough. as a matter of fact I feel down right weak, unable to make even simple decisions , unable to face mild challenges. And the expectations of others have now exceded my own abilities. It makes me feel ashamed and scared.My whole life I've never been afraid of very much.
         But the last few years changed that.I started being more tired, not feeling well lots of days. my health got worse. Being without a job or income, not knowing how we were going to survive or pay our bills.I was worried about our youngest child who was still at home our next oldest graduating high school.Our next oldest planning her wedding here at our house. And our oldest getting ready to have his first baby.It was alot going on and we had no means to pay for anything.
                     But we trusted God and He was faithfull to provide abundently for all of our needs.We had food to eat enough money to pay the house payment and car payment and utilities. We worked hard to just manage what we could and called all the others to let them know we couldnt pay. Some people were helpfull some were rude and mean.They expected me to pay what I owed and I expected my dilligent payment history to stand for something. I had allways paid my debts on time and I was in trouble. I needed help and time to come up with the money. We sold stuff, cashed in our retirement took metal to be recycled. Anything we could think of to get money to keep us afloat. Some days I got mad at our cercumstances
                   But mostly I enjoyed the time with my husband.He had been in the military. Had lots of jobs that had taken him far from home throughout our marriage. Sometimes he was gone for a week sometimes for 30  days and once while I was pregnant with our third child he was gone for a year. So mostly I was happy to have him home. Its was fun at first. we did projects around the house and went to do some fun stuff. We talked alot. But for him the stress of not being able to provide for his family was really hard. It wore on him day after day. Not only that but our oldest children lived in houses we owned. ultimately we had the responsibility for making sure those payments were met too. So the amount on his shoulders was heavy to say the least.
                Job loss is difficult under normal circumstances, but we did what we could and turned the rest over to God. The world had changed, what used to be , just was'nt anymore.Unemployment only lasted 6 months. The government had stopped long term unemployment for millions of americans at the worst of an econimic down turn. We were luckier than most we were able to keep our home . millions of americans lost their homes and were forced to live in shelters or in there cars. Adults moving back in with there aging parents . We saw lots of desperation. We lived daily. We learned to lean on God more and lost faith in the world and the government that we had spent years defending.We recieved food stampes for the first time in our lives. Fought the buracrecy of obama care to get insulin for me and keep our kids healthy.Counted pennys from the couch cusions, relied on family for help when it got really rough. And tried to help others when we could.
               But some days we just barely got out of bed, some days we lashed out at each other, mostly out of fear or frustration. I have faced rejection before. But the level of rejection my husband faced during that 14 months was staggering. Im not sure how many jobs he applied for but it numbered in the hundreds. and everyday rejection letters came flooding in. Sorry we went a different direction , we pick someone with more education , you dont meet the education requirements. The worst was you are over qualified. Or the ever popular, no response at all.Then someone would show interest . This only happen a few times . One was a job in Minnasota. That was funny because it was the coldest winter here in years. So it was really cold in Minnasota. We dont like the cold. But after 2 phone interviews they wanted to meet in person. So they sent him to kansas city to the corporate office for a third interview . which went very well. Then nothing. For weeks we waited and waited. then finally a form email telling us thanks but no thanks.That happened  several other times too. One time the week before Christmas we drove 500 miles to North Carolina for and interview. It went great but then we never heard anthing from them again.We all came home with some sort of flu from that trip. We spent Christmas in bed sick.Then ther were jobs closer to home that just didnt seem in a hurry to hire anyone.It went on like that month after month, hope followed by dissapointment. For me it meant not paying more bills not being able to get gas to mow the lawn cutting back on water usage and turning out lights more often. Eating cheaper food. not doing laundry till you have a full load. For my husband it meant letting us down, not doing his job as the man of the house. Not providing. Running through all our savings, using up all our retirement. He even sold his guitars to give me a birthday gift. For both of us it was hard for different reasons. But it brought us closer to understanding Gods promises and Love.
                        I guess if there is a moral to this story it would be we expected the worst but found hope and trust in the strangest of places.We didnt expect it to take 14 months to find another job. We didnt expect to need so much grace.And we didnt expect some peoples additude towards us either. But expectation is a funny thing you never know sometimes what others expect from you till you can no longer live up to that expectation. . It wasnt easy, some days were brutally hard. While other days were calm and easy. Our expectations of each other have changed too. we take turns being tough. We let God carry the largest part of our burdens and we have a better understanding of what Prayer can do. Not just on the bruttaly hard days but on the calm days too. It is our Prayer today that if you find your self in this situation or something like it. Dont lose hope keep praying and trusting God. Know that He is working all things for your good. Even when it seems like you failed one day know that God loves you today and every day , down in the valley and on the mountain. He is the same today tomorrow and yesterday His love never stops, never grows weary . He is allways weaving together a plan for you that is amazing . Even on the days when you act like a monster. On the days you rebel , in the night when you cant stop crying. In the morning when you find the strength to get up and do it for the thousandth time God is the same. It is the one expectation that is allways fullfilled. maybe not the way we hope but allways the way we need.Know also that we are not perfect. Some days I fail miserably. So I hold tighter to Gods truth. The devil has tried to steal my trust in God many a day. And some days it may even look like he has succeeded. But tomorrow is allways another chance to do it again and to do it better.
                      


                                                                                                                Love, Me