Dear friend,
Hope you are having a good day. Things here are ok but could be better. Im missing my kids and grandkids and struggling to understand why things dont go how i think they should. I have 4 kids the first 2 born in 1987 and 1988 they are 361 days apart . Sorta like having twins. I was 19 and 20 when they were born. And my husband and I were newly weds when we found out I was pregnant with the first. The second child was born 4 days before the first birthday of the first child.The second child was born very sick and nearly died . The army hospital in Berlin where she was born called in the chaplin to comfort us. While friends kept baby #1. It had been a hard labor 2 days on pitosin. I could barely stand up to get in the wheelchair to go to the nursery to say goodbye. They were taking our baby girl to a german hospital . her lungs were not completely formed. They thought she was going to die. My husband went with her and stayed with her till she was out of the woods. They have allways had a special bond. It would be 2 weeks before we could even touch her , let alone hold her. we werent allowed to stay at the hospital . we had to take a military taxi ti the hospital and only stay with her for short periods of time. Im pretty sure those were the worst days of our lives.However She grew stronger every day and eventually we got to take our sweet girl home to meet her big brother... Which is a whole story all by itself. But for todays story I wont go there. Needless to say those two became best friends , partners in crime a united front and a force to be reconed with. And so it went , life and raising 2 kids in amilitary life style. moving around starting school all the things kids do.
Then in 1995 nine years after baby # 1 and 8 years after baby #2 im not feeling well and we are supposed to go on a trip to Italy. We missed that trip but decided to go camping in Bavaria. It was the most amazing trip but when we got home I still felt sick and more run down than ever. So im telling my friend how I feel and she says you are not sick you are pregnant... Im like no possible way.. and her , having recently having a baby says take a test and prove it.So my husband goes to get a home pregnancy test, because well they make such things. I take the test and yep Im pregnant. We actually have the whole thing on video. The older kids were thrilled My husband was over the moon. me not so much. I was just about in the clear. Kids in school full time basicly self sufficient. I was not pleased to be starting over. I was once again in a foreign country. no family or close friends to help. With the first 2 I was alone with the exception of one close friend. Raising kids is hard work. Its 24 hours a day. And its very hard when your husband is gone 7 months out of the year. Shortly after I found out we were having another child my husband found out he would be deployed to Bosnia for a year. So was our neighbors husband,the one who knew I was pregnant. I thought this could be ok we are pretty good friends. we can get through this together. Nope wrong again. She left too. went stateside and never came back. She had another baby a few months after me.All went well with the pregnancy . Baby #3 joined us in may of 1996. He was the sweetest baby. ate good slept good. smiled often and rarely ever cried. Until one day he cried alot and when I was changing his diaper I noticed a large bulge in his abdomin that was not there earlier. I ran the whole way to the army clinic with him in my arms, I didnt have a car. Turns out it was a hernia. But surgery was neccessary to correct it.
Well with baby #3 I guess you would say we were smarter and more relaxed not so stressed out . We had more money more time more patience and knew more about life and what was important.At the end of his first year we transitioned to civilian life, and returned to my husbands hometown. We live there for 11 years. Not a bad place but never a great place for us. Lots of job changes in the first years. Then came more money better job and sability. At this point you can imagine child 1 and child 2.are getting ready to graduate from high school and head off to college. When another life change happens . My husband lost his job. Child one in college child 2 in the summer between graduation and college. #3 getting ready for 5th grade. After many months of job searching we were running out of money and options. It seemed like the only choice was to move . so we did. but thats How we ended up here in 2006. Lots of things happened in the few years inbetween moving and what happened in 2008. My husband found a job we got back on our feet. all seemed to be going well. Then I started getting sick. I was sleeping alot and had pain in weird places and I was naseous all the time. I was 41 years old. pregnancy was not possible it had been 14 years.. So after lunch with the same friend who was positive I was pregnant with #3. We stopped at the store for a home pregnancy test. The test was of course positive. But once again I was not. See with #3 I developed gestational diabetes. And a year after he was born I was diagnosed with type 2. My age and illness were not favorabe. The first Dr. I saw was not very positive of either of our survival rates . So I found another Dr. who was. He said It would be rough and It was. He said c section and it was. I had to see lots of specialist to check for heart problems and birth defects. But in April of 2009 #4 came into our lives. Strong and healthy and probably the happiest baby Ive ever met. She spent her first week of life in the NICU. not because she was sick but just to see that she wasnt and didnt become sick. #2 was happiest of all she finally had a sister. She lived a few hours away but was here for the birth as were all of her siblings.It has been a very Exhausting and fulfilling life so far. # 3 just started college #4 just started kindergarten and #2 just got married #1 and his wife are expecting a child. And my husband just spent the last year and 2 months unemployed. But thankfully has started a new job. Life has a way of changing when you least expect it to,Im not sure we are ever ready for and sometimes we are just downright not in the mood for it . But we rise to meet the challenges of it .
I have allways thought the age gap was no big deal but recently im discovering that it might be . That It may be causing some pretty serious problems in our family. My age is older than most moms of kids in kindergarten. My 2nd child is raising her son at the same time as me and my 4th child. My 1st child is raising 3 kids of his wifes and has 4th on the way. The economy is bad and prices are high. Life is not easy right now for most of the world. And #3 is facing the world alone.I pray daily for all of them that there life is good that they love one another and live good lives. Above all I hope they know how much we love them all no matter when they came into our lives or when they leave it. They are all a gift from God for as long as he allows us to have them . and we are so greatful for every minute of it.
Thanks for allways being there to listen when I need to hear myself talk. till next time
Love , Me
Monday, September 15, 2014
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Expectations
Dear Friend,
I was thinking today would be a good day to talk about expectations. And how sometimes our expectations sometimes excede others abilities. Im a strong woman for the most part. Pretty much anything you throw at me I can handle. I plow through problems and challenges pretty well. I think I just expect others to do the same. I figure if I can do it why cant everyone. So I have very high expectations.Especially from my kids. I raised them to be tough . But here lately I dont feel so tough. as a matter of fact I feel down right weak, unable to make even simple decisions , unable to face mild challenges. And the expectations of others have now exceded my own abilities. It makes me feel ashamed and scared.My whole life I've never been afraid of very much.
But the last few years changed that.I started being more tired, not feeling well lots of days. my health got worse. Being without a job or income, not knowing how we were going to survive or pay our bills.I was worried about our youngest child who was still at home our next oldest graduating high school.Our next oldest planning her wedding here at our house. And our oldest getting ready to have his first baby.It was alot going on and we had no means to pay for anything.
But we trusted God and He was faithfull to provide abundently for all of our needs.We had food to eat enough money to pay the house payment and car payment and utilities. We worked hard to just manage what we could and called all the others to let them know we couldnt pay. Some people were helpfull some were rude and mean.They expected me to pay what I owed and I expected my dilligent payment history to stand for something. I had allways paid my debts on time and I was in trouble. I needed help and time to come up with the money. We sold stuff, cashed in our retirement took metal to be recycled. Anything we could think of to get money to keep us afloat. Some days I got mad at our cercumstances
But mostly I enjoyed the time with my husband.He had been in the military. Had lots of jobs that had taken him far from home throughout our marriage. Sometimes he was gone for a week sometimes for 30 days and once while I was pregnant with our third child he was gone for a year. So mostly I was happy to have him home. Its was fun at first. we did projects around the house and went to do some fun stuff. We talked alot. But for him the stress of not being able to provide for his family was really hard. It wore on him day after day. Not only that but our oldest children lived in houses we owned. ultimately we had the responsibility for making sure those payments were met too. So the amount on his shoulders was heavy to say the least.
Job loss is difficult under normal circumstances, but we did what we could and turned the rest over to God. The world had changed, what used to be , just was'nt anymore.Unemployment only lasted 6 months. The government had stopped long term unemployment for millions of americans at the worst of an econimic down turn. We were luckier than most we were able to keep our home . millions of americans lost their homes and were forced to live in shelters or in there cars. Adults moving back in with there aging parents . We saw lots of desperation. We lived daily. We learned to lean on God more and lost faith in the world and the government that we had spent years defending.We recieved food stampes for the first time in our lives. Fought the buracrecy of obama care to get insulin for me and keep our kids healthy.Counted pennys from the couch cusions, relied on family for help when it got really rough. And tried to help others when we could.
But some days we just barely got out of bed, some days we lashed out at each other, mostly out of fear or frustration. I have faced rejection before. But the level of rejection my husband faced during that 14 months was staggering. Im not sure how many jobs he applied for but it numbered in the hundreds. and everyday rejection letters came flooding in. Sorry we went a different direction , we pick someone with more education , you dont meet the education requirements. The worst was you are over qualified. Or the ever popular, no response at all.Then someone would show interest . This only happen a few times . One was a job in Minnasota. That was funny because it was the coldest winter here in years. So it was really cold in Minnasota. We dont like the cold. But after 2 phone interviews they wanted to meet in person. So they sent him to kansas city to the corporate office for a third interview . which went very well. Then nothing. For weeks we waited and waited. then finally a form email telling us thanks but no thanks.That happened several other times too. One time the week before Christmas we drove 500 miles to North Carolina for and interview. It went great but then we never heard anthing from them again.We all came home with some sort of flu from that trip. We spent Christmas in bed sick.Then ther were jobs closer to home that just didnt seem in a hurry to hire anyone.It went on like that month after month, hope followed by dissapointment. For me it meant not paying more bills not being able to get gas to mow the lawn cutting back on water usage and turning out lights more often. Eating cheaper food. not doing laundry till you have a full load. For my husband it meant letting us down, not doing his job as the man of the house. Not providing. Running through all our savings, using up all our retirement. He even sold his guitars to give me a birthday gift. For both of us it was hard for different reasons. But it brought us closer to understanding Gods promises and Love.
I guess if there is a moral to this story it would be we expected the worst but found hope and trust in the strangest of places.We didnt expect it to take 14 months to find another job. We didnt expect to need so much grace.And we didnt expect some peoples additude towards us either. But expectation is a funny thing you never know sometimes what others expect from you till you can no longer live up to that expectation. . It wasnt easy, some days were brutally hard. While other days were calm and easy. Our expectations of each other have changed too. we take turns being tough. We let God carry the largest part of our burdens and we have a better understanding of what Prayer can do. Not just on the bruttaly hard days but on the calm days too. It is our Prayer today that if you find your self in this situation or something like it. Dont lose hope keep praying and trusting God. Know that He is working all things for your good. Even when it seems like you failed one day know that God loves you today and every day , down in the valley and on the mountain. He is the same today tomorrow and yesterday His love never stops, never grows weary . He is allways weaving together a plan for you that is amazing . Even on the days when you act like a monster. On the days you rebel , in the night when you cant stop crying. In the morning when you find the strength to get up and do it for the thousandth time God is the same. It is the one expectation that is allways fullfilled. maybe not the way we hope but allways the way we need.Know also that we are not perfect. Some days I fail miserably. So I hold tighter to Gods truth. The devil has tried to steal my trust in God many a day. And some days it may even look like he has succeeded. But tomorrow is allways another chance to do it again and to do it better.
Love, Me
I was thinking today would be a good day to talk about expectations. And how sometimes our expectations sometimes excede others abilities. Im a strong woman for the most part. Pretty much anything you throw at me I can handle. I plow through problems and challenges pretty well. I think I just expect others to do the same. I figure if I can do it why cant everyone. So I have very high expectations.Especially from my kids. I raised them to be tough . But here lately I dont feel so tough. as a matter of fact I feel down right weak, unable to make even simple decisions , unable to face mild challenges. And the expectations of others have now exceded my own abilities. It makes me feel ashamed and scared.My whole life I've never been afraid of very much.
But the last few years changed that.I started being more tired, not feeling well lots of days. my health got worse. Being without a job or income, not knowing how we were going to survive or pay our bills.I was worried about our youngest child who was still at home our next oldest graduating high school.Our next oldest planning her wedding here at our house. And our oldest getting ready to have his first baby.It was alot going on and we had no means to pay for anything.
But we trusted God and He was faithfull to provide abundently for all of our needs.We had food to eat enough money to pay the house payment and car payment and utilities. We worked hard to just manage what we could and called all the others to let them know we couldnt pay. Some people were helpfull some were rude and mean.They expected me to pay what I owed and I expected my dilligent payment history to stand for something. I had allways paid my debts on time and I was in trouble. I needed help and time to come up with the money. We sold stuff, cashed in our retirement took metal to be recycled. Anything we could think of to get money to keep us afloat. Some days I got mad at our cercumstances
But mostly I enjoyed the time with my husband.He had been in the military. Had lots of jobs that had taken him far from home throughout our marriage. Sometimes he was gone for a week sometimes for 30 days and once while I was pregnant with our third child he was gone for a year. So mostly I was happy to have him home. Its was fun at first. we did projects around the house and went to do some fun stuff. We talked alot. But for him the stress of not being able to provide for his family was really hard. It wore on him day after day. Not only that but our oldest children lived in houses we owned. ultimately we had the responsibility for making sure those payments were met too. So the amount on his shoulders was heavy to say the least.
Job loss is difficult under normal circumstances, but we did what we could and turned the rest over to God. The world had changed, what used to be , just was'nt anymore.Unemployment only lasted 6 months. The government had stopped long term unemployment for millions of americans at the worst of an econimic down turn. We were luckier than most we were able to keep our home . millions of americans lost their homes and were forced to live in shelters or in there cars. Adults moving back in with there aging parents . We saw lots of desperation. We lived daily. We learned to lean on God more and lost faith in the world and the government that we had spent years defending.We recieved food stampes for the first time in our lives. Fought the buracrecy of obama care to get insulin for me and keep our kids healthy.Counted pennys from the couch cusions, relied on family for help when it got really rough. And tried to help others when we could.
But some days we just barely got out of bed, some days we lashed out at each other, mostly out of fear or frustration. I have faced rejection before. But the level of rejection my husband faced during that 14 months was staggering. Im not sure how many jobs he applied for but it numbered in the hundreds. and everyday rejection letters came flooding in. Sorry we went a different direction , we pick someone with more education , you dont meet the education requirements. The worst was you are over qualified. Or the ever popular, no response at all.Then someone would show interest . This only happen a few times . One was a job in Minnasota. That was funny because it was the coldest winter here in years. So it was really cold in Minnasota. We dont like the cold. But after 2 phone interviews they wanted to meet in person. So they sent him to kansas city to the corporate office for a third interview . which went very well. Then nothing. For weeks we waited and waited. then finally a form email telling us thanks but no thanks.That happened several other times too. One time the week before Christmas we drove 500 miles to North Carolina for and interview. It went great but then we never heard anthing from them again.We all came home with some sort of flu from that trip. We spent Christmas in bed sick.Then ther were jobs closer to home that just didnt seem in a hurry to hire anyone.It went on like that month after month, hope followed by dissapointment. For me it meant not paying more bills not being able to get gas to mow the lawn cutting back on water usage and turning out lights more often. Eating cheaper food. not doing laundry till you have a full load. For my husband it meant letting us down, not doing his job as the man of the house. Not providing. Running through all our savings, using up all our retirement. He even sold his guitars to give me a birthday gift. For both of us it was hard for different reasons. But it brought us closer to understanding Gods promises and Love.
I guess if there is a moral to this story it would be we expected the worst but found hope and trust in the strangest of places.We didnt expect it to take 14 months to find another job. We didnt expect to need so much grace.And we didnt expect some peoples additude towards us either. But expectation is a funny thing you never know sometimes what others expect from you till you can no longer live up to that expectation. . It wasnt easy, some days were brutally hard. While other days were calm and easy. Our expectations of each other have changed too. we take turns being tough. We let God carry the largest part of our burdens and we have a better understanding of what Prayer can do. Not just on the bruttaly hard days but on the calm days too. It is our Prayer today that if you find your self in this situation or something like it. Dont lose hope keep praying and trusting God. Know that He is working all things for your good. Even when it seems like you failed one day know that God loves you today and every day , down in the valley and on the mountain. He is the same today tomorrow and yesterday His love never stops, never grows weary . He is allways weaving together a plan for you that is amazing . Even on the days when you act like a monster. On the days you rebel , in the night when you cant stop crying. In the morning when you find the strength to get up and do it for the thousandth time God is the same. It is the one expectation that is allways fullfilled. maybe not the way we hope but allways the way we need.Know also that we are not perfect. Some days I fail miserably. So I hold tighter to Gods truth. The devil has tried to steal my trust in God many a day. And some days it may even look like he has succeeded. But tomorrow is allways another chance to do it again and to do it better.
Love, Me
Saturday, September 6, 2014
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