Dear friend, Hope all is well with you! Things here are the same. We try to remain positive but the days are long and sad. We had some news the other day. A very good friend in Germany saw a facebook post from our daughter and sent pictures to me with question marks saying I didnt know she was pregnant. Well neither did we !!!!. Within hours of the facebook post calls came flooding in with questions. When is she due what is she having??? Well how do you answer when you dont know. Lucky me my once best friend knew and was only to happy to call and let me know. Now that she posted it on facebook she guessed it was ok to tell me..... Who does that..? Well she is due in October I guess someone will let us know. And we understand its a boy. Another well meaning friend saw our son at walmart along with the grandson we have never seen. She didnt want to tell me because she knew it would upset me. Well guess what I live in a state of upset my 3 adult kids havent spoken to us in over a year. Ive seen death row inmates who committed murder get shorter more lenient sentences than us.
Our youngest mean while lost her first baby tooth day before yesterday. The tooth fairy came and brought her a gold dollar. She was over the moon happy . She struggled to let that tooth go for days it hung in her moth by a thread. She kept asking what happens when its out, will it bleed ,can I keep it, when does a new tooth grow in. We post picture on facebook hoping the others will see it and know how their sister is doing but not one of them responds to her ever. She asks daily who liked it.We know she misses them but what can we do. A couple of weeks ago she ask me if I remember when she was sick last year and took that long nap on the couch. And if I remembered when the police came but didnt arrest us on your birthday ? I do remamber. How can I ever forget her being interigated when she had a fever of 103 by strangers in her own home. She is a fearful child she worries about things more than most kids. I cant imagine what goes on in her head. We have allways kept a very close eye on her but since then even closer.It seems like none of us will ever be the same.
So we go forward never knowing what tomorrow will bring. We hope for the best but are allways on the lookout for more sadness. Nothing will ever be the same. But we have hope for the future that God has promised. We start Fall soccer this week and I have several Quilt projects Im working on. My husband has been promoted to sports editor of the local paper. and Fall is in the air. I think a trip to the apple orchard is on my list of fall activites to do very soon. The cool crisp air reminds me of the past. Back to school, halloween costumes, apple cider and the colors of the leaves like the most amazing rainbow without the rain. It reminds me of dieing to ones self and the renewal that comes after a long cold winter. I hope every day brings our family back together but mostly I know thats not ever going to happen. Forgivness will not come for us. So we Pray and we hope and we move forward in life because we have no choice. It moves on with or without us.
Once again thanks for listening. Its so easy to talk to you. I know you are allways there and I get great comfort from that.
With much love, Me
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Its been a year of silence,Except for grandma!
Dear Friend,
Sorry its been so long since Ive written.Its been a little over a year since we have seen or spoken to our three older children.They stopped all contact with us after our second childs wedding. We survived the birthday season and the holidays. It was the hardest on our youngest. We took her on a beach vacation for her 6th birthday. She just wanted to know if everyone was coming over. I couldnt take her sadness, so we decided it was best to go have fun for her sake.
Its the little things that will get you in the silence. The memorys that sneek up when you least expect it. Like the toast. I was making toast for for our youngest one morning when the toast song popped into my head. #3 used to sing it to me when ever I made toast or french toast Its one of my favorite things in the world. Not the song, but the way he sang it to me. Or like the show on pbs about how to build a log cabin project with sticks and mud. We did that with our oldest once. but when we got the mud we must have picked a place where dogs frequented because it really smelled bad. We called it the poop cabin. Looking at pictures is the worst. On the fourth of july we used to drive to Indiana to get fireworks and take them to my mother in laws. This year I kept thinking about our oldest. It was allways his favorite. He has allways loved the explosiveness of it. Except for the first one at Ft Bragg. as a baby it scared him . He has a baby of his own now. We have never seen him, no one has in my family. He ask us last year not to contact him or his family ever again ,after we contacted him to turn the deed of the house over to him.He told us he was glad he finally had the family he deserved, instead of the family he got. He recently called his 83 year old grandma to tell her we were awful because we hadnt been to see his baby. But he has not spoken to us in over a year and they ask people on facebook not to share his picture so we could not see him. They didnt show him to anyone on either my or my husbands side of the family, purely so we would never see him. Even my best friend has never shared his picture with us. Our daughter in law ask her not to and told her if I wanted to know anything about him to call her.We decided that was similar to hostage negotiations and would not be joining in on that kind of thing. The worst was My mother in law, she was so upset. See we never told her because she is sick . Dementia. We are not in the habit of telling her things that will worry her.We have never told anyone but my parents and my sister what happened.
Its funny I never wanted to be anything other than a mom and grandma. I love my kids so much and then there are the grandkids. They are the most precious things. But I guess God has other plans for me for now. I pray often for them all and hope someday things will change. Im still saving box tops just in case. But after the gift they sent me on my birthday I just dont see how thats possible. It was allready not the greatest birthday ever. Chloe had been so sick for months. We had been back to the Dr for another round of antibiotics. Double ear infections that just would not go away. Swollen tonsils and fever for 2 months.She was on the couch resting when they knocked on the door. We were going to have cake. But we lost our appitite. It was the worst birthday visiter we ever had. Poor chloe was scared to death.We spent the rest of the evening in shock and so sad that they would do such a thing to her.
Since then on special days we make it a point to make tracks for the day.The future is uncertain with the older three. We dont know if we will ever see or speak to them again.We dont know if we will ever see our grand kids again. We pray and we hope but for now we move forward in a life full of uncertainties. With our youngest starting first grade I'm sure this will be a busy year full of fun and learning. My husband just passed the one year mark in his new job. im in the middle of canning season, tomatos right now . We move through our daily activities like normal but the sadness of the loss is allways with us. It has changed who we are and how we conduct our lives. We trust less and are more cautious.But the one thing that has increased is our trust in God. The way he has provided for us overwhelms us. His grace and mercy cover us daily. Knowing that He wrote our story long ago and that He alone knows why and how and that he loves us and would never harm us .We pray daily for our kids. and we miss them. But we also know that things were not good the way they were. Being held emotionl hostages , always in fear of being cut off or making them mad. I can honestly say that I no longer have that fear. God has held me in His loving arms and comforted me through it. And guess what I survived. It didnt kill me. It tried to break me for a while.And days are still hard sometimes, but I Know Im a good mom and a good grandma .
Love Me
Sorry its been so long since Ive written.Its been a little over a year since we have seen or spoken to our three older children.They stopped all contact with us after our second childs wedding. We survived the birthday season and the holidays. It was the hardest on our youngest. We took her on a beach vacation for her 6th birthday. She just wanted to know if everyone was coming over. I couldnt take her sadness, so we decided it was best to go have fun for her sake.
Its the little things that will get you in the silence. The memorys that sneek up when you least expect it. Like the toast. I was making toast for for our youngest one morning when the toast song popped into my head. #3 used to sing it to me when ever I made toast or french toast Its one of my favorite things in the world. Not the song, but the way he sang it to me. Or like the show on pbs about how to build a log cabin project with sticks and mud. We did that with our oldest once. but when we got the mud we must have picked a place where dogs frequented because it really smelled bad. We called it the poop cabin. Looking at pictures is the worst. On the fourth of july we used to drive to Indiana to get fireworks and take them to my mother in laws. This year I kept thinking about our oldest. It was allways his favorite. He has allways loved the explosiveness of it. Except for the first one at Ft Bragg. as a baby it scared him . He has a baby of his own now. We have never seen him, no one has in my family. He ask us last year not to contact him or his family ever again ,after we contacted him to turn the deed of the house over to him.He told us he was glad he finally had the family he deserved, instead of the family he got. He recently called his 83 year old grandma to tell her we were awful because we hadnt been to see his baby. But he has not spoken to us in over a year and they ask people on facebook not to share his picture so we could not see him. They didnt show him to anyone on either my or my husbands side of the family, purely so we would never see him. Even my best friend has never shared his picture with us. Our daughter in law ask her not to and told her if I wanted to know anything about him to call her.We decided that was similar to hostage negotiations and would not be joining in on that kind of thing. The worst was My mother in law, she was so upset. See we never told her because she is sick . Dementia. We are not in the habit of telling her things that will worry her.We have never told anyone but my parents and my sister what happened.
Its funny I never wanted to be anything other than a mom and grandma. I love my kids so much and then there are the grandkids. They are the most precious things. But I guess God has other plans for me for now. I pray often for them all and hope someday things will change. Im still saving box tops just in case. But after the gift they sent me on my birthday I just dont see how thats possible. It was allready not the greatest birthday ever. Chloe had been so sick for months. We had been back to the Dr for another round of antibiotics. Double ear infections that just would not go away. Swollen tonsils and fever for 2 months.She was on the couch resting when they knocked on the door. We were going to have cake. But we lost our appitite. It was the worst birthday visiter we ever had. Poor chloe was scared to death.We spent the rest of the evening in shock and so sad that they would do such a thing to her.
Since then on special days we make it a point to make tracks for the day.The future is uncertain with the older three. We dont know if we will ever see or speak to them again.We dont know if we will ever see our grand kids again. We pray and we hope but for now we move forward in a life full of uncertainties. With our youngest starting first grade I'm sure this will be a busy year full of fun and learning. My husband just passed the one year mark in his new job. im in the middle of canning season, tomatos right now . We move through our daily activities like normal but the sadness of the loss is allways with us. It has changed who we are and how we conduct our lives. We trust less and are more cautious.But the one thing that has increased is our trust in God. The way he has provided for us overwhelms us. His grace and mercy cover us daily. Knowing that He wrote our story long ago and that He alone knows why and how and that he loves us and would never harm us .We pray daily for our kids. and we miss them. But we also know that things were not good the way they were. Being held emotionl hostages , always in fear of being cut off or making them mad. I can honestly say that I no longer have that fear. God has held me in His loving arms and comforted me through it. And guess what I survived. It didnt kill me. It tried to break me for a while.And days are still hard sometimes, but I Know Im a good mom and a good grandma .
Love Me
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